Some serious self-reflection...
More than I would like to admit, I find myself wondering, "Am I good enough?"
I'm loud. (I get louder with wine).
I don't mean to, but I interrupt and talk over people.
I always try to let people know I relate by telling a similar story. Then I realize I may be coming off as a 'one-upper.'
I don't mean to harm or offend, but I say things before thinking.
Ok... sometimes I get sucked in to the gossip circle and I say things that I know may harm others.
I may come off like I don't care, but I worry about how I'm dressed, how my hair is fixed (or more often, not fixed), and how my makeup looks.
I get caught up in my day-to-day and lose track of what is happening in others' lives. This is even worse now that I have a daughter.
I fail every.single.day.
I never meet a stranger. (I become friendlier with wine).
I love conversation and get excited when sharing stories with people.
I do my best to empathize with others, and always want people to know that I understand.
I always speak my truth.
I feel remorse when I let my words cut down others.
I want to make good impressions.
I stay busy, because I do my best to be PRESENT in my family, in my church, in my profession and in my community.
I try every.single.day.
I want to be a "girl's girl" who gives amazing, thoughtful gifts and has my life together. I want my home to be welcoming, my flowerbeds to be beautiful, my outfits to always be on point and my hair to always be fixed. I want my car to be clean, my words to always be kind and to make people laugh and feel at ease around me. I want to have self-control when it comes to things, like wine and dessert. I want to have time to bake and blog and be involved in my community and have date nights with my fiancé. I want to read scripture every morning before I run, be debt free and feel confident in my skin (while also effortlessly fitting into size 6 jeans). I want to send thoughtful cards and letters in the mail to friends "just because" and I want to be able to laugh off the times I make mistakes. And if I CAN'T do all of these things, I want to at least appear like I do.
Instead, I'm often socially awkward, which is especially hard since I love being social. I THINK about amazing gifts, but rarely follow through. My life is a hot mess: my house is a dusty, cluttered disaster and my flowerbeds are full of weeds. My wardrobe consists of what is clean, fits and is the least-wrinkled from the pile of laundry that never made it to the closet, while my hair is washed, at best. My car is never clean, my words often hurt (95% of the time, unintentionally), and I think people more often laugh at me rather than with me. Sometimes I have too many glasses of vino, and I never turn down a second (or third) piece of cake. I barely have time to myself to think, much less write or bake or get out of my house, and I feel guilty when I start wishing I had more "me" time because that means less time with my daughter and my fiancé. Oh, the guilt. My community involvement has weaned, and my relationship has felt the inevitable decline in romance, known as parenthood. I often choose TV or social media over scripture (even though I know better) and I haven't laced up my running shoes in so long, I can't even remember. I swim in debt from past life choices, and am constantly aware of every ounce of flab, every scar, every flash of cellulite and every part of me that may be unappealing to others. I don't wear a size 6, and likely never will again. I buy cards to send to friends, which just become a part of the afore-mentioned clutter in my home, as if being filled out and dropped in the mail is too large a task. I stress over every misstep and mistake I make, to the point that I quite frankly annoy the hell out of myself.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, as women, do we feel the need to be MORE than we already are? Why do we feel like we have to pretend? Men may feel this way too, but I have a hard time imagining my fiancé, my brother or my father in a constant state of worry about things which, in truth, are so miniscule and pointless.
When does it stop? When do we start realizing we are enough, as is? I can sit and talk forever about using the talents God has given me, changing what I can and letting go of the rest- but when will I start practicing what I can preach? How can I expect my daughter to grow up at peace with herself if her mother is in a constant state of unrest? How can I lift up others when I can't even hold myself up?
Enough is enough. I AM ENOUGH. I'm going to spend the month of June focusing on the act of practicing what I preach. I'm going to work on changing what I can. I'm going to let go of what I can't. I'm going to forgive myself for my shortfalls and do my best to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly within me without feeling the need to hide it from everyone. If you find yourself feeling like you're not enough, like your life is a hot mess, or like you just need to reset, join me in this month of change and self-reflection. I mean, aren't we really all in this together?
Oh man, Jessie, this resonates so hard with me. It's amazing how understanding and forgiving we are of our friends while we're SO HARD on ourselves. As you well know, I share a lot of both your good qualities and your "flaws" ;) and I know how it is to beat myself up about them. But for what it's worth, I love you exactly how you are. <3ReplyDelete